Out of the Box!

As a Christian, I am a very nontraditional, out of the box type. In fact,..if I was to go back to a traditional church, it would be cultural shock for me. When I came back to Fort Worth, in my teenage years, and lived with my grandparents, out of pleasing my mom, I first tried the Episcopal church. I knew that unfortunately, many of hte parishers went as part of their high social status. I went to sunday school..(I forgot what it was called), but it was a preparation class of being 'confirmed'. Young episcopal teens are 'confirmed' in the church. THe poor episcopal minister!! He had to deal with a bunch of rowdy teens. I was the quiet serious one. He mostly gave us assignments of learning different words, theological terminology...etc..I felt sorry for him having to deal with the rowdy kids.
Yes, there are Believers in the Episcopal church..sincere lovers of hte Lord...I remember the episcopal minister's wife was serious about fighting against porn, etc.

But being episcopal wasn't for me. I was a young baby christian, and I went to the Episcopal church to please my mom. However, I told my Nana, that I wanted to go to a different church. I was confirmed, by the way, but was glad to leave!

I sometimes wish, and wish I was able to show here on the blog, a picture of what I believe teh Body of Christ is! Jesus said that there would be tares..that the enemy would plant tares in wiht the wheat. and..unfortunately, the 'church' has conformed herself to a babylonian system...There's pagan system of doign things in elements of the Body. With all that is wrong..there are those who are Believers, mixed in with the tares..If I was to draw several circles, each one representing a different part of hte Body, Baptist, pentecostal, episcopal, methodist, etc, etc, then...draw a big circle, with the circle going halfway thru all the circles and around...I'll show that that Big circle really represents the true ekklesia, Body of Believers...and with the empty space in the middle, those of us, who aren't active in a church organizaiont...there are believers in every part. Then...the other half of the circles, which are outside the big circle, represent hte unbeleivers, the tares, and those who just don't know the LORD, but go to church out of tradition, etc...and the babylonian system. I believe that there is a day that is coming...actually, I believe it already is here, where we are all going to be forced to leave the system...the babylonian churchianity system. Many of the churches(especially the traditional ones) are going to follow the new world order and will persecute real Believers. People are going to be forced to make a choice...follow the false system...or go 'in the wilderness" It's in the Wilderness that God will provide for us...and He's that Voice calling in the Wilderness, wooing us to Him! That intimacy, letting Him love on us and speak His Truth to us, cleansing us from false teaching and etc. Dead religion is satan's playground! He uses it for his purposes...spiritual abuse, etc.
I pray to Abba, that if I'm wrong, then He would correct me on any of this I just talked about! I love the LORD. I've gone thru a lot as a Believer...It's been almost 30 years I've known the LORD...I struggled with a lot of fears...and oppression...which I know have it's roots from that time when I was 5 and that night of the Pilgrim candle incident.

I don't want to go into detail history of my walk...with the churches I've been, I want to skip over some things and go ahead of time...when I was in a home fellowship in Florida. How i got to Florida is for another story, but, when I arrived at the fellowship...(it was connected by ministry to a "messianic fellowship" I attended in Fort Worth. I had met the Florida fellowship...when I made a trip to Israel with them and Shlomo, who was hte music minister of the Messianic fellowship in Fort Worth)
I arrived at my desination, in FL. It was mostly NonJewish lovers of Israel, they had a dance ministery, and they danced with banners...ministering to diffferent places, etc. Not everyone was a dancer, it was also a home cell type fellowship. I would later realize how bad of a choice it was for me to go there!

Every week, it seemed..by the way, Yvonne talked to us...it was the mentality that we were all not where God wanted us...we could do better, "Get with it, people", etc...While I used to feel good going to fellowship and worshipping Abba, I got angrier and angrier...it made me feel as if I was a naughty girl. I don't know how to explain it...You have to be there to expereince it. I finally blew up, to make a long story short, and Yvonne nad her husband got people together and she chewed me out, and finally told me in a syrupy tone of voice...if I leave the fellowship, I would be alone in a house by myself, get some sort of skin disease and die...and that I would go to hell. Their idea was that they were the only ones who 'had it all together' and all the other churches were out of God's will, and anyone who leaves the fellowship, was out of God's will. It was hard, but I decided not to go back. I made some mistakes...when I was there..but I realize now...it was spiritual abuse.
It took me some almost 10 years to heal from the stuff I went thru...I go thru triggering...when I'm in a church environment similar to that group, certain stuff, tonal of voice, etc...It trigger me sometimes.
I can't stand what I call "lemon sucking' christians...stern types...I don't know how to explain it...

I'm learning though, that Abba doesn't want me to focus...have my eyes on those type people..but He wants me to focus on Him...meditate on His Love and Grace and good things...love on my cats, go outside and do something like walk by a creekbed..enjoy the lightning bugs in the summer time, etc. I learned to garden and grow veggies, after I left Florida and moved back to Texas. Then I moved to Arkansas!
I used to go overboard in Messianic Jewish stuff! I still love Israel, and stuff, but it's not a main part of my life right now. To be honest..after the spiritual abuse I went thru, it turned me off of Messianic stuff for a while...I realize now that Abba allowed me to go thru that abusive fellowship to knock spiritual pride out of my life. I really felt proud, learning Hebrew, doing the feasts, even as far as making Tzitzit and wearing a woman's kippah. I was a goofball. Abba had to change me.
I realize that even Messianic stuff can get old and religous! No part of the Body is immuned to it! or w hat I call the religious spirit. The religious spirit comes in all forms.

When I moved to Arkansas, I found my first arrowhead! See, my Native heritage was on the backburner for a long time...I was so into Israel for 10 years of my life..1988 to 1998. I left the abusive fellowship in 1998, and 2 years later, 2000, I moved to arkansas. I started getting interesting in Native stuff again, especially when I heard of Sacred Fire, a Native christian gathering in Leeds Alabama in 2002 or 3 I think. Sacred Fire was put on by "Tribes of Christ" a Native church in Leeds. I headed down to my first Native christian gathering...I had waited over 20 years for this!! For a Native expression of faith in Yeshua!, Jesus!! Jonathan Maracle--Broken walls did the worship! Richard Twiss, Spyder and Tekawitha Webb, Robert Francis, and other Native ministers were there, especially others I should mention but I have mind block right now!! It was awesome!! i learned about protocol..(a very important part of Native culture) and about respecting one's space..and, how gifting is a major part of protocol and respect. I'm in the habit of gifting new special friends, etc! I picked up that habit of gifting, and some, who I've gifted, often misinterpet what I'm doing...and they say "OH you don't have to do that. You hold onto that...you'll need it to sell, etc"

Well, I got sidetracked, but that's okay..
I was wanting to talk about being different...let me back up and tell about another spiritual abusive incident...when I was in college in Tucson AZ. In Tucson, one time, I started going to a Vineyard Church and attended a cell group...I was very shy, I haven't touched on that yet..my shyness...I was very shy and struggled over fears of acceptance...I'll go into details about that, later...but I woudl go to these people's home..for the cell group,...a time of worship, and fellowship...before the worship started...me, being a sucker nad lover of cats, would go in the back room, where they had a kitten, and I would love of the cat! I do that everywhere there's a cat...I have to love on cats!!! I can't get enough of them. Well, one day, the woman of hte house and her sister criticized me for not socializing with them, and loving on the cat...it tore me up and I got upset. It didn't help me at all with my shyness. They treated me as if I had a spiritual disease and in rebellion to God, claimng I was tying His Hands. That really tore me to pieces!..however, I think I felt God telling me afterwards, that He wanted me in a different cell group..the first one, the people seemed so uptight, etc. But the second one, was more relax, now that I think about it....but...Ii would go to a conference and run into that lady's mother...and when I mention something God was doing to me...she reacted condescendingly, "Good, you need it"...and went on worshipping enthusiastically. I didn't understand it!! Why was I mistreated by brothers and sisters?!!! It cut like a knife, and I felt as if something was wrong with me...and cried out "God, what's wrong with me?!!!"
I realize now, that it wasn't me..it was them. They s aw that I was natural in the LORD, not uptight about what He wanted me to do...but knew He was Abba nad that He loved me..in fact, one night at the cell group, during worship, while i tried to concentrate on Him, and not on the fact I had to socialize with people..espeically guys (I dreaded socializing with guys!) as I worshipped, I started feeling a special sensation...I felt as if I was in a giant lap!! I felt as if I was in Abba's lap and He was holding me! and His hands were very large, holding me close!! I felt snug and secure in His embrace!! I wonder if I made the mistake of sharing that to the people after worship and if maybe that cause a negative reaction in them...I don't know! But I was soooo happy in Abba's lap.

I had a dream sometime during this period. I dreamed that I went in the Holy of Holies in the temple..except it wasn't the temple but a traveling RV of somekind..with the Holy of Holies room in it! I went in, trembling...I'd never dreamed of this before!! Then, I noticed a little girl, sitting on the top of the Mercy seat of the Ark of the covenant. I then replied "What are you doing sitting on the Ark of the covenant...you're not suppose to be there!"
Immediately, the little girl got off and threw a fit, hurt and upset at what I said...then a man and a woman came and ministered to the girl, andI heard the Voice of the LORD saying "I'm with you wherever you go!' I then woke up. I may be forgetting some parts, I'm not sure.

Looking back at that dream, I realize the little girl was me...and For some reason, I was acting 'religious' in the dream, feeling like I needed to fix things, etc...she re acted hurt to the religious spirit...that's how I've reacted to the spiritual abuse I've expereinced from that abusive fellowship, (and the cell group) and with other christians, etc.. When the LORD said "I'm with you whereever you go," I realize now, that despite my mistakes, and stuff, and leaving abusive fellowship, etc, He's still with me. He won't let go of my hand. No man can snatch me out of His hand!! As much as they try to bring me down.