Confession of some of my faults and other things

I come to realize and accept the fact that as one who has experienced Israel, being in over there, etc, that some will not ever be able to understand where I'm coming from. They will rather prefer to see me as a spiritual retard. They don't want to see that I know scripture or that I'm mature in the LORD, they prefer to see me as a retard and to lecture me about this or that. They want to 'shame' me. Its the stupid religous spirit that wants ot use other christians, especially traditional ozark christians to humilate me and make me out a retard.

I'm not in any of the churches here in town, because I know the religious spirit will harass me and then I would blow up at people, etc.

But I don't like that. I don't even like having the hostility rising up inside of me and the other christians, I know pick up on that, etc. I don't like being this way. But if I'm around them or in the churches there...it is like trying to get untangled from a tarpit...the more I try to resist, the more i get entangled. I don't know how to explain it. So I have to avoid those churches, and christians, or religious people, etc. There are only a few christians that I feel comfortable with.

I have failed in certain areas in my life. For example, earlier last year, I had put some of my baskets in a particular gallery here in town. The gallery is also a place to sit, drink gourmet coffee and bring out your laptop and use their wireless service there. The couple claim to be christian, but seemed kind of hoity toity, condescending towards me. I had my baskets in there for a month, then they thought I should lower the prices of my baskets...as if my baskets weren't good enough. I blew up at them...it was their condescending attitude that irked me and I can't remember what I said to them but I glared at the man and then he turned and told his wife to call the police. I then responded by saying "OK, I'm out of here, and I'm takijng my baskets, too." So I took my baskets out of the store. But...I was nasty...I openly accused them of being 'satanic'. .I hate being that way. That was terrible of me to do.

I wonder if it's my struggle with authority types and condescending people, etc, is the reason why God doesn't have me working anywhere. It seems here in the town I live in, I pick up on those who want to keep those who they deem inferior down.

It may go back to my childhood when I was talked to, as if I was an animal, not talked to like a human being. It seems also, that everytime I hear from certain relatives, it's not to find out what's going on with my life, etc, but it's to tell me how I need to do this, that, etc...I don't know how to explain it....but I avoid certain relatives like the plague. They want to see me as a fucking fat retard..a nuisance and an aggravation. That 'relative' that they wish they didn't have. As if I shouldn't have been born...that I'm tainted. Maybe it's because my dad wasn't of high cultured background....I don't know...I know they probably see my mom's getting together with my dad as a mistake.

One time my mom's family...we all went to Ruidoso NM...for some reason I don't remember for...I think just a vacation. We stayed at the nice Mescaloro Apache Indian resort hotel....I forgot what it's called. My dad's aunt lived in Ruidoso at the time, and of course, I went to visit with my aunt June. June lived in a mobile home. I went, hanged out with June, then invited her to dinner with me and my family at the hotel. At the very nice restaurant. Not once did my mom's sister...my Aunt S. or anyone talk to my Aunt June! I thought that was rude. They treated her as if she was one of us children. My mom's sister especially.... I always felt funny feelings at my aunt S's home...when my grandmother and I would come over, etc...she never talked to me...it was as if I wasn't there. I don't know...maybe because her relationship with her sister, my mom, is strained...but I don't know...Im just a piece of furniture...a nonentity to certain elements of my family.

In my mom's family, as I learned it's this way in a lot of wealthy families, etc, there is a cold business way of doing things ---My grandfather did this, and so does my aunt, write out a business like letter to others,..when it comes to important family things. I don't like that...I recently learned that Warren Buffett does the same thing with his family..he disowned his granddaughter--and she is a struggling artist making ends meet and can't afford cable tv.

I wonder if the LORD allowed me to go to Israel to see my part of my real home! (Yes Heaven, New Jerusalem is, too..and this world is not our home..but like it or not...When Yeshua returns to set up His Kingdom here on earth in the last days,...it will be in Jerusalem, not Washington DC, etc!! And scriptures says that we will reign with Him and will take part in the judging of nations and angels!..yes, here on earth!) It was like coming home, my trips to Israel. And when listening to Israeli music...it's sooo soothing and relaxing. When I went thru depression and dorm and roommate problems (as well as social anxiety, etc) in college in Flagstaff AZ, it was my Israeli music tapes that got me thru. Even just listening to people speaking in Hebrew soothes me for some reason.

I can't imagine what my life would be like if I had not gone over to ISrael. There is something spiritual about having been over there. Really! It was the most greatest thing that happened in my life second to Coming to the LORD when I was12. So now, I hope people would understand why I get emotionally charged about certain things.