Why I seem weird to some!

I was just thinking and I realize something. Anonymous and I see things differently about Israel but we are both right! Neither of us is wrong. Let me explain. Anonymous sees how things are right now..the sin fallen state of Israel. The tainted things...Kabbalah, etc. But I see Israel not as she is now, but how she will be in the last days, when Yeshua returns. I see God's promises to Israel in the prophets. To some people. I also see how God is still doing things...how more and more Jewish people have come to Messiah and how Messianic Judaism has grown. I may be naive, but I have to explain something about myself.
I spent several years of my life, cooped up at home with my bible and books and my shortwave radio(pre-internet days, listening to ISrael radio). I had a type of social anxiety and was real shy. To some, it would seem that I was failing BIGTIME in being a witness in the world because I lived a cooped up existance of just staying home except hanging out with a few friends and going to church or Messianic fellowship, etc. I think in a way I was socially and emotionally immature for my age...I was fearful of guys, dating, flirting, etc...because I hadn't experienced much of that and it scared me...emotionally, I was still a little girl in college...I loved the LORD and never fell into the temptation of drugs, sex and partying like others in college. I didn't know how to talk like a mature person...I still talked like a child and went thru dread of guys thinking I was firting with them because of the way I talked, etc...
Dorms was terrible for me...I went thru social anxiety and it caused me to have falling outs with my roommates...(when I was in Flagstaff AZ)...and so I had to move out..find an apartment and live alone.
I immersed myself in bible reading and studying, Hebrew, etc. Okay, I know I scared some people off already...those sensitive to religious junk! LOL...Actually, in my studying of scripture, I noticed how shallow churches were about things and how fake, etc, others were! (I was unaware of satanism in the church then!...I was naive and didn't know that stuff yet) It was during this time when I was living out in Arizona. I became disatisfied with churches, etc...but unfortunately, I also saw where Messianic fellowships were lacking.
I also struggled though. I saw where I was a failure in witnessing. (I later learned that it's by His Spirit, not our own strength and in HIs timing, etc)...I hung out with some friends from Calvary Chapel...I mentioned Ilana and Keith earlier....and I mention how Ilana seemed to have mental issues...she thought God wanted her to eat out of trashcans, etc. Well, another thing Illana would do is whereever we would go, she would stand in the parking lot of either the apartment complex at her mom's, or somewhere else and wait for someone to come along so she would 'witness' to them and share tracts. There was something odd the way she did it...and lets just say I wasn't into it. It drove me crazy. I realize now that back then I was around some weird people!! It seemed that all the wierd people i knew were at church...but the one person who wasn't from Calvary Chapel,etc.....actually she was a cathoic...a hispanic graduate student...Priscilla, was the most stable person I knew!! She was in the same college apartment complex and I would go over to her place on Tuesdays, eat pizza and watch the Wonder Years on tv.
Quietly I rebelled against Calvary Chapel's ways fo doing things, etc. Calvary Chapel seemed soo 'white bread' so 'white american and I hated that. I don't know how to explain it. Most of my friends at Calvary Chapel were Jewish Believers. They didn't understand my zeal for Israel and one friend, Vicki confronted me one day about my zeal. "Lara, you look Jewish. You need to be careful" I guess she was afraid that some skinheads would attack me, I don't know.
I resented the way Calvary chapel did things...and the image it had, and yet I didnt want to depart from my friends...
I suffered from issues relating to social anxiety and thinking that Native people won't accept me as native person, and originally, I was interested in Native stuff, and then got into Jewish stuff and my idea was...okay...I'll just get into things Jewish. It was part of my social anxiety problem. A few years before my moving out to Arizona, I went to visit my great-aunt Sue in Taos NM. Aunt Sue was part of the affluent art community in Taos. She was head of the Taos Art Association and had been married to Albert McCleery, who was a TV producer and director back in the 1950's.
Aunt Sue lived in an adobe home overlooking a valley north of Taos. She had some people that would come work in her yard. One of whom, was a Taos Indian. I don't know his name...but he was an older man and when he took breaks, he would sit on a ledge outside--but I was traumatized because he looked at me in a certain way...I don't know how to explain it. I think now it was that he saw that I was Native looking, and yet, I was in a white upperclass family and I think he resented that...I didn't understand what it was at the time...I thought there was something about my personality, etc. it traumatized me and caused me to fear getting to know Native people..fearful of what they would think of this mixed up cherokee.

This also effected my relationships with Jewish people. To be honest...I was ashame of my southern background...of being from Texas, the south, etc, and I pretended to be Jewish. I wore a Star of David, etc. Actually, I didn't pretend to be Jewish around Ilana or Vicki, or Melanie (my calvary Chapel Jewish friends)...but when i was Hebrew class at college, I dreaded being known as the only 'gentile'. We had to use our Jewish names in the Hebrew class...and I chose Elisheva Bat Avraham. Actually, I think they or the Teacher might had known I wasn't Jewish...the teacher's eyebrow rose, impressed when I told her Elisheva Bat Avraham...when it came to my turn to give her a Hebrew name....I learned that when a nonjew converts to Judaism, they are given a hebrew name and is known as 'so and so ben Avraham or Bat Avraham...son or daughter of Abraham. I took my middle name...Elizabeth..an actual Hebrew word..Hebrewized it back to .Elisheva and "Bat Avraham".
Eventually, it was too stressful for me in Modern Hebrew class and I dropped it. (But I took it over again in Israel!) I found it more comfortable in Biblical Hebrew class.

Anyway, getting back to my social anxiety...as a result, I spent much of my time at home, reading teh prophets, reading, and listening to Israel radio. I found myself getting excited over the promises of God in the last days..of the restoration of Israel, etc.

I never got into Kabbalah. That stuff was over my head..anyway, and I prefered the pure word of the Tanak and was eager and loved the awesome prophetic insights of Yeshua, etc...and Torah codes...I remember how excited I got when I accidently came across a Torah code of my own in a psalms...the scripture that says "If you O'LORD should mark iniquities, who could stand" IN the Hebrew, backwards, every third letter I found it said "Yeshua Stands as a support!" It blew me away to notice that!! But I got extremely angry when other christians didn't get excited and rebuked me for 'divination', accuse me of doing that because of the Torah codes, etc. I tried to explain to them it wasn't divination and I wasn't looking into the future, etc, but they didn't understand and it made me more angrier and angrier. Especially when they didn't understand that my immersing myself in Jewish studies, music, etc was only making me love Yeshua even more...a deeper appreciation of Him. I wasn't getting into legalism bondage, etc. I yearned and wish I was able to get my hands on the targums, aramaic translations of the Hebrew bible...because they were old..from the time of or before Yeshua and I had read a Messianic booklet that told of insights in the targums that point to Yeshua (It was also a booklet to show Jewish people the Jewishness of the concept of the Trinity, Holy Spirit, etc). Unfortunately, I didn't know aramaic and there were no known english translations at hand!

I notice also when it comes to occultic or nonbiblical teachings, etc, something in me is bored with just am not drawn to it. I just don't get into it. But when it comes to the real thing...I guess it's the SPirit of God in me that draws me to that which is of Him!
Anway, I'll stop here for right now.